Nocturnal conversation with yours truly

“Sometimes the fastest way to get there/ is to go slow,” sings Tina Dico in her song “Count to Ten.” “Sometimes if you want to hold on/ you’ve got to let go.” That’s a ripe oracle for you to meditate on, Aries. As you explore the nuances of its meaning, you may discover secrets about how life is always working behind the scenes to balance things out. You might also see that going to any extreme will often attract the opposite extreme into your life; an excess of yang can lead to yin, and vice versa.

I haven’t been by the horoscope website in a long time, actually I had almost forgotten about it. Somehow too something to check out what my stars are saying. But tonight, as I find myself up once more at 2.30am and not due to a late Friday night, I suddenly remembered. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Reading the lines my second mind goes ‘yep, that’s right, it’s going way too slow’. There is a great sense of impatience and at the same time having no idea what there is to be impatient about. Life on the outside, once more, is looking great. Yes, work is busy. Yes, seasons are changing. Yes, I have developed a fear of listening to or watching the news because I can predict the not only the stories but even the sequence in which they will be covered. Yes, my fridge is empty, my house needs cleaning and my laundry needs to be done. Yes, to many other things. But it’s nothing out of the ordinary.

Maybe that’s the problem. Life seems ordinary. But, the moment I write these lines an internal voice speaks up:

‘No, that’s not what it is. And you’ve got multiple moments just today that proove it.’

Fine.

Still.

Something is off. And my sensors for things ‘being off’ are very good. Sometimes the fastest way to get there/ is to go slow. Yes, that’s what it feels like. Like I’ve missed an important puzzle piece that won’t let me truly move forward. No matter how much I squeel around, changing aspects of my daily life, I find myself currently unable to remain peaceful, calm, and able to enjoy just being. And I miss that feeling. Actually, I need it.

There is more. There is an underlying notion of fear, fear of staying this way, of never being able to find back to that place I know exists. Or maybe truer: no longer being sure whether it really ever existed.

‘That’s bull!’, it yells from inside. ‘And you know it! You don’t truly believe that for a second!’

No I don’t. But it makes it really hard to take the easy pityparty route with a stubborn internal voice like that. And sometimes one needs a pityparty.

‘…..’

Shush! I know. It’s a waste of time and energy as well as a distraction. I know that phases like these can’t be rushed. I know that it’s a balance act between patience and faith on one side and a determination to work hard and learn the entire lesson, to not take short cuts.

A Warrior of the Light often loses heart.
He believes that nothing can stir in him the emotion he desires. He is forced to spend many nights feeling that he is one of the vanquished, and nothing seems able to restore his enthusiasm.

His friends say: ‘Perhaps his fight is over.’

The Warrior feels pain and confusion when hears such remarks because he knows that he has not yet reached the place he wanted to reach. But he is stubborn and refuses to relinquish his aims. “

That’s an excerpt from Paulo Coelho’s book “Warrior of light”. And the last sentence of that segment reads:
“Then, when he least expects it, a new door opens.”

With that, I think it’s time to return to bed.

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~ by spasmicallyperfect on October 18, 2008.

One Response to “Nocturnal conversation with yours truly”

  1. Hello!

    I’m a big fan of Paulo Coelho! You will love this! He’s the first best-selling author to be distributing for free his works on his blog:
    http://www.paulocoelhoblog.com

    Have a nice day!

    Aart

    Welcome Aart! Thank you so much for the weblink, I was actually aware of it. Reading a few lines of any of his books on my morning train, sets the tone and the awareness for the entire day. Thanks for visiting and take care. S.

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