It’s official: I’m a threat to society.

It’s official, I’m a threat to society…..

Not all of society, for that would keep me way too busy. In actual fact, I’m a passive threat so to speak. I am not the aggressor but remain perfectly innocent until a volunteer matching my profile approaches me.

I will not deny that my persona easily attracts potential victims. After all, compared to most people walking around in the busy down town area, I do stick out with my friendly and alert eyes, so it is understandable that strangers feel less intimidated approaching me rather than the rest of the mentally absent crowd.

It starts out rather unassuming:
“Excuse me,…….”

Over the years I’ve perfected my assessment criteria and can with certainty recognise a victim. I’ll stop to listen to what I already know is coming:
“…… do you know where _____________ is?”

Some victims are more clear about their true goals and will instead ask:
“…..can you tell me how to get to ____________?”

But in the end they all want the same. And I am more than willing to give it to them. Like this morning for example (for people familiar with the downtown Toronto core, they will be able to follow easily, for the less informed crowd, I’ve supplied a Google map of the area):

I have just crossed a street walking north when I am stopped by a young woman, asking for Richmond Street. All my sensors perk up as the sweet smell of fresh blood fills the air.
“Oh, it’s just down this road”, I point south.
I can see the next east-west street which is Adelaide.
“Hang on”, I stop my explanation, after all, as far as I can remember, Richmond isn’t south of Adelaide. I turn around to look north for the next parallel road:
Queen street.
This is where my stunt has the potential of failing as it is vital that the victim remains confident that I can indeed help him or her out. I’m at the top of my morning mental capacity so my thoughts are racing:
‘No, it’s definitely not north of Queen. So if it isn’t south and it isn’t north than is it even around here? Yes, I know it’s around here! Ah – must be a north-south street then. Now is it left or right from here? ‘

Victim is still staring at me with her large, hopeful eyes. Good. Then, out of nowhere a Higher Being decides to have mercy with her and shows me the sign of the street I just finished crossing.
“Actually, you’ve arrived, it’s this street right here”.

Now, I could be frustrated that I didn’t manage to send this one on a two hour gruelling march to a destination which she may or may not ever arrive at. But I am satisfied with the number of people I’ve given completely wrong directions to in the past – this not out of menace but due to a genetic incapacity to give proper directions or remember where anything is. This combined with a severe case of ‘good Samaritan’-complex turns me into lethal combination for anybody who has lost their way.

And no, I don’t feel bad nor do my actions rob me of my peaceful sleep. After all, I’m not the one actively seeking them out, so if indeed there is any victim in these situations, it should be me.

As for you, consider yourself warned and get yourself a GPS!


~ by spasmicallyperfect on July 11, 2008.

5 Responses to “It’s official: I’m a threat to society.”

  1. I knew that you had some evyl in you.

    Pssssssssssssssst !

  2. Hilarious post.It’s no wonder I can never find my way in downtown Toronto,you are one of a species.

    It’s genetic.

  3. Okay Spaz,
    Once again I find we have some dangerous characteristics in common. This made me laugh. I am the last person in the world you should ask for directions – yet, like you I have that kind of face. Poor folks just wondering around Canada looking for some tourist action. 🙂

    Nah, if I can’t find their way, I buy them the cab ride, after all I should really know my way around this town by now! 😉

  4. In Boston, if the people are nice, we send them in the proper direction.
    If you’re deemed a total asshole, God knows where you’ll wind up. Probably Roxbury.

    Sounds like an interesting place………..?

  5. You are too funny… thanks for the great post… made my day

    Hey there girl, thanks for coming by. Glad you got a laugh out of it, cause all I can do is cry about it :-).

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