I passed…….

 

I don’t know what to do with it. Sitting on a rush hour commuter train, one back pack, one attaché, one long down winter coat and ‘it’, a framed 18 by 12 certificate with my big bold name as the focus point. I don’t have a bag for it, they didn’t think about providing one. After all it’s all about the good feelings of accomplishment, the end of a course, the beginning of life on a new high way. Hello fellow train riders, I am Susanne and I obviously am somebody since my name merits being hung on a wall.

Bull shit.

For a moment I am considering leaving the cluttsy item in the trash can on the platform. Gosh, for a moment I wish I had that boldness to do just that. I didn’t spend the last 160 hours plus homework to get a framed piece of paper. And I don’t need it to tell me that I am someone. Actually I have the slight suspicion that it’s not about me knowing at all, it’s more about anybody else looking at it. ‘Beware, you’re not dealing with some looser here, I actually know what I am talking about’.

Bull shit.

“There is no such thing as a fact”. Most of what I have learned will sooner or later be replaced by something else. Learning is like buying a digital camera, you try to get the best return for your money, get the newest standard maybe be ahead of (most of) the game, just to find out on the next Best Buy flyer that flatters into your house that you’re object of pride is already old school – or worse – crap.

Then there was the speech. The head of the program congratulating us, talking about all the grand things that we are now capable of doing, the philosophy that we’ve become apart of and the increased value we bring not only to anybody who has us on their payroll but also to ourselves. “You are now capable of creating………………………………. well, miracles”.

Bull shit.

Don’t get me wrong I am not trying to be negative. Nor am I saying that I haven’t done a lot of good work, that I haven’t learned many things that will come in handy and that I am not proud of actually being able to make it through this course that wasn’t easy. BUT – what I’ve done so far was peanuts compared to what it will take to put all this into practise. Until it’s put into practise , until I’ve made mistakes and pressed on, until I understand why I fail and why I succeed and until I eventually consistently succeed in applying what I’ve learnt, well until then it’s just a framed paper confirming that someone told me something.

Practise. There isn’t anybody out there I know that who is good at what they do without practising and continually challenging their frame of reference.

So what am I saying? I guess I am saying that I am still who I was when started this course. I have been made aware of a lot things that I wasn’t aware of before and shown what to do with them. You don’t become a carpenter by reading a book on tools, nor will you be able to make a living without continuously creating saw dust . Even if I feel like putting my feet up and while sipping on a cup of tea stare at my accomplishment on the wall, it is now that I actually have to start working.

I can have the best intentions of reading up on ‘it’, teaching others about ‘it’, implementing ‘it’, succeeding at ‘it’, yet it’s much easier to try it, get frustrated and take short cuts, small ones at first, that eventually get bigger, until I slowly forget the range of tools I have to use and that there is no one tool fits all approach. And before I know it, I’ll be left with a certificate and a few smart quotes.

And the framed big bold name? Well, for now it will go into the cupboard. The day I feel I can sign my name under the italic title will be plenty soon enough to hang it up. If by then I feel I still need it……………

~ by spasmicallyperfect on February 26, 2008.