The night before New Year’s eve

magritte31.jpg I am ready for the New Year, more than other years. Why that’s the case I am not really sure, however I do think it has to do with both 2007 being very busy and in many ways challenging as well as the fact that I have my set goals for 2008.

Still. I woke up this morning feeling curiously lost, impatient, unsatisfied.

My parents have flown in for the holidays, we had a wonderful pre-Christmas day in my home with turkey dinner (thanks Mum, that was the best ever) and opening gifts around the Christmas tree later on. Then on Christmas Eve we all drove up North to Cottage Country where my mother in law graciously invited us all for Christmas. It was lovely, especially because there was tons of snow and my mother even had a go at snow shoeing (well done Mum, you’re a natural!). So all in all, albeit busy, it has been a blast. With Bryan’s dad’s passing a little over a year ago after an unexpected severe stroke, life has remained fragile. Probably a good thing, as I try to get as much out of being with my parents as possible. I know all too well that there will come a time where they won’t be able to board planes for long flights anymore.

So what is missing? My mouth corners pull up to a grin as I write down that question. During so many years of my life there was always something missing. Now that I know what that something is, it is surprising to find myself against that same question again. It’s the same question and yet a totally different feeling. This time it’s not a deep feeling, there is no despair, no deep rooted longing, no loneliness. No, it’s a subtle craving, yet one with warning lights….yes, I’ve been down this path before and subtle cravings turn into big black holes at the end of that path. Not a path I consider choosing again.

Silence. It hasn’t been very silent lately. And silence helps me hear my own voice, my own silent voice, the one that speaks to the rhythm of my heart beat. Silence also carries my writing voice, and my ears have lost some of their fine tuning, they can hear my writing voice mumble, but not clearly enough to follow, less even to grab those words and add them to paper.

Yes, if there was something that has been missing during these last days of a tired year it’s been Silence. I had been planning on writing a special list tonight, but it will write itself tomorrow more efficiently. For tonight, I’ll turn off the coffee table lights, close the ground floor curtains and head upstairs. I’ll lie in my bed, in the dark, listening to the silence and the rhythm of my breathing until I’ll sleep closes my eyes. Yes, tonight, I’ll settle for Silence.

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~ by spasmicallyperfect on December 30, 2007.

2 Responses to “The night before New Year’s eve”

  1. Enjoying some peace and quiet at this time of the year is truly priceless. I wish 2008 will be what you have hoped for. 🙂

    Thank you so much and very, very belated, same to you too.

  2. I’m sure all the silence you need will come to you when you need it, Spaz. It’s been quite the year and I think the coming one promises to be unique and special in some way yet unnamed.
    Annie

    Silence…… what a beautiful word. Could definitely use more of that, right now the only silent moments I seem to be able to make for myself are the ones where I am sleeping 🙂 . Yes, every year is unique and special, I’m lucky that way 😉

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