The longer I roam this world……

The longer I am roam this world, the more people I meet and the more people I am fortunate to call my friends.

I say fortunate because I really feel that way. If you were to talk to my Mum, she’d tell you that there was a time where I felt I didn’t have any friends, that I just didn’t fit in with anybody, that my interests and thoughts just didn’t match with what females, not to mention guys my age lived.

 

One of my journal entries from that time reads:
“Fine. So I have realized that when push comes to shove, I am alone, that I cannot trust anybody to stand by me. Not because they’re evil or because I am, but because we all are just trying to survive, everybody doing their best to get by. We are individuals and chances that me surviving and someone else surviving is going to result in the same action or gesture or sentence that I am expecting any time in my life are just too slim to be wasting my time waiting for it. I am a one person army, and much better to have a realistic one person army then to rely on a huge army of deserters. Bring it on, I am ready.”

 

I remember that moment being a turning point. I remember surrendering to the pain of that reality but coming out of it strong enough to face whatever was to come. I still had my ‘lonely’ moments, but they never again ended in despair. And looking back, since then, I’ve had so many great people and friends appear in my life. When some of the friendships changed or ended, I often caught myself thinking “I don’t deserve to find another one like that, I’ve been so lucky so far I must have reached my quota”. But I’ve even given up that thought. The world just doesn’t seem to be working on quotas. Thank fully.

 

Along with the joy of friendships comes the inevitable flip side of the coin. The more I get to know the people, the more I learn about not only about their joys but also about their battles. After all, we all have them. They have family members or friends dying, they have Cancer, are HIV positive or are dealing with other medical conditions, have family members away at war, have break ups or should be breaking up, are stuck in jobs they don’t like or have accidents that ruin their career dreams, moments where they are walking under the sadness or hopelessness cloud etc.

 

That’s life I suppose. And it surprises me over and over again how just being there for friends in their difficult times, even if it can’t be all the time, even if often I don’t know how, makes a difference. I used to make other people’s problems my own, I don’t (as much 😉 ) anymore. I don’t feel I do them any good suffering with them. Yes, I have moments of frustration, of worry, of sadness, sometimes even anger. But all of those feelings take away energy. Energy that is much better spent on keeping myself healthy and sane, spent better on the friends, truly them, not just on how they or their situation affects me. The great thing about life is that it has to ability to go on, cut down trees, grow new branches, flowers sprout on asphalt, worms that are severed in half live. Things change, but there’s always room for growth, always room for new friends, always room to learn and most of all always room to be grateful for all of it.

So yes, I do still believe in the image of the one person army. The one thing that has changed, I suppose, is that I no longer believe in wars and therefore that truth becomes irrelevant.

.

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~ by spasmicallyperfect on August 9, 2007.

4 Responses to “The longer I roam this world……”

  1. Seems to me you’ve found the meaning of life here. Finding strength in yourself means you can take it out into the world. You’ve discovered what I often call, ‘optimism and broad shoulders.’

    Welcome to my world. I’ve seen you around and have been meaning to pop by…. guess you beat me to it 😉 . “The meaning of life”, well, seems you’re wiser then me for it definitely doesn’t feel that way. Having said that, yes, other days it does…… If that were indeed the case, that I found the meaning of life, what on Earth am I going to do with the rest of my life? 🙂 . Thank you for sharing your thoughts and hope to see you around some time….. be well.

  2. I really connected a lot with what you wrote in this post. You’ve expressed so eloquently feelings I’ve experienced myself in the past – both in terms of the lonely moments and the possibilities that lie in our relationships and friendships with other people.

    Welcome Sparrow. Smile. I smile at your name because I’m known as Spaz to my blogger friends and although it’s meant to be in English, in German it means Sparrow. So that may be why you connected ? 😉 . Thank you for your words. It’s nice to know that my feelings are found in other people too. Nice of you to drop by, until next time…..take care.

  3. Hey Spaz,
    I think I had my own army of one once upon a time myself. And like you, it gave way to seeing that it is irrelevant. Friends are everywhere if you look – we are all on this road called life and enjoy it so much more when we go together.
    WC

    Amen. I am glad you got my post…… wasn’t sure if the underlying message got across. Are we hiking or driving?

  4. The thing that touches me the most about this post –the longer you roam –is the underlying theme that we can’t have one without the other. Rose and thorn, that whole saying is so true. The closer I bring my friends and family to me, the more involved I become in their joys and tragedies…and how can it not affect us in some way? Even when we want to be alone, think we are alone, and feel we are alone…we aren’t really…

    Hey there Ali, good to see you back. Seems that you’ve understood where I was headed with this. 🙂

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