Disturbing truths – and where to go from there

I met an old friend today, we had planned to meet many times but today we just bumped into each other. It had to be. As I sat there facing my friend, trying to balance out old memories with the new energy that he was radiating, I found myself confused, confused about how my mind reacted immediately however my heart was somehow dragging behind. In some ways it felt as if was sitting opposite a stranger and I missed the familiarity of how he used to be. On another level, I understood perfectly well that he was in a much better spot then he used to be, he was more confident and stronger.

His messages were positive, caring, enthusiastic – all characteristics that he had always owned – deep down. And yet, something was different, so different that I had to reason with myself not to feel threatened. What had changed?

Is it that he doesn’t need me the same way anymore? That my comfortable role of being there to lend a helping hand, to listen, to understand, to love, to build up isn’t the one that will propel our friendship further? Is it because I fear that he’ll quickly realize how little I have to offer without that role, or at least assume I do?

I know I am being silly. I know that my mind doesn’t really work that way, that I don’t really believe that all I am good for is help others deal with their challenging moments (although it’s still one of, if not the most fulfilling thing for me). But detecting that uneasiness did manage to stir up some questions, questions whose answers might bring a few disturbing truths to light.

Disturbing truths. They remain disturbing until they are fully accepted at which point they transform into non-threatening authenticity. In this case, it seems that I am just not quite there yet.

And as far as my friend goes, maybe it’s his turn to lead for a while. Or maybe I’ll actually pull myself together and remember that in an open field, forwards or backwards is defined only by the steps that I take.

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~ by spasmicallyperfect on April 29, 2007.

One Response to “Disturbing truths – and where to go from there”

  1. I understand this. It is hard when roles seem to reverse with friends. We get comfortable in our ‘jobs’ with our friends. When something changes and especially if we don’t see it coming, it is a little startling.

    WC

    Yep. It’s like with anything. At some point we’ve learnt the lesson, have reached the end of a part in the journey and then a concious decision has to be made on where to continue to and how. I find I used drag things out ‘ignoring’ that point, and it hardly ever ended well. It doesn’t mean things have to end, but they need an adjustment for sure. And some of those adjustments require work. Grinn. Yes, WC would understand…… cheers!

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