Unanswered questions

(Image by Harry Richardson)

I know life has no room for regrets, at least that’s what the reigning society likes to let me know. I am not very good at regretting, like so many other things that are easy to do, intellectually it seems like a complete waste of my time.

However there are a few things I do regret.

While working on another piece of writing, I remembered my grandmother, better yet something she had told me once. Looking back at that moment I wish I had been older, wiser, had known the questions that plague me nowadays so that I could have asked her. Or I wish she could be here right now , sitting in the family room, giving me her experienced angle .

My grandparents were good at stories, yet rather reserved around feelings and personal experiences that didn’t result in laughter. I do recall them telling me that they loved their spouse, yet I have no idea what they thought about marriage, what they struggled with, what they feared, what they’d do differently a next time around. I didn’t ask either. Frankly, it wasn’t something I thought about, after all my own life was a challenge enough. Plus I guess that generation wasn’t used to sharing personal information.

It’s only been over the last few years that I’ve begun to have these kinds of conversations with my parents. At times these conversations are difficult, the relationship almost seems too close to remain untainted by feelings of guilt, disappointment, love, expectations and assumptions. Still, I ask and still there are more questions I’d like to ask . Unlike before, I don’t want the sugar coated version. It’s no longer about me wanting to hear what a pleasure it was having me or how they married their soul mate. The days of believing in perfect are over. So are the days of thinking that perfect is important. I’ve tried my damn hardest and failed. And if I can’t do it, nobody else can.

I’m also over ‘having to make my own mistakes’. Growing requires mistakes, but mistakes also take time. One thing about getting older is realising that time is valuable, and so I’d like to eliminate or better make an educated decision on which mistakes I’m going to make.

How many teenagers, even people in their twenties, truly believe that their parents know best? I know I didn’t. “That maybe applied to the time where you were young, but today is a whole new ball game”. I still don’t believe that they know best. What I cannot deny are the experiences they have made.

I know a young man who is far advanced in his maturity level compared to his years. At barely twenty he has accomplished things many people don’t manage in a whole life time. He’s a very optimistic person, seeing not challenges but opportunities. He has very few friends for as he puts it “it’s hard for others to understand the way I live my life and it’s impossible for me to live theirs”. The general population sees him as an overachiever, a guy who knows what he wants and lives by his own rules.”

I asked him once where he got his view of life.
“Growing up I realised that adults and older people were often unhappy. So I started asking them questions. I didn’t want to be like them, and the only way I saw to accomplish that was to understand why they felt the way they did. I soon saw a pattern. The older I got I realised that this pattern was a blue print on how not to live life. Most young people are so concerned about figuring out their own life, that they ignore the wealth of information that is already out there. By the time they figure it out, it’s often too late. Or worse, they never figure it out. “

I understand completely what he’s saying. I too have in many ways missed the boat. For one thing, I’ll never know what my grandmother would do differently next time. Nor do I know what truly made her happy. I assumed her family. But being who I am now, I know there is more than being a wife, a mother, a grandmother. I just wish I had known her better. From woman to woman.

And I hope I won’t think about my parents one day and find myself with the same regrets.

~ by spasmicallyperfect on June 23, 2008.