Growing together

How you understood, I’ll never know.
After all, these moments used to scare you.
And it scared me that they scared you.

Yesterday, I didn’t come home right after work, trying desperately to find my balance,
not exactly knowing where I had lost it.
I couldn’t cry at work, not in the street, nor on the train,
why cry anyway, without even being clear what on earth was going on.
I opened the door to our house.
The dog came running, wiggling her tail, happy to see me.
I knelt down and stroked her head.
Then the tears started, there was no holding back.
My entire body erupting in sobs, surrendering to a sadness that I couldn’t keep inside.
I didn’t feel I should have to.
“What’s the matter?” you asked, hugging me.
“I’m sad”, was all I managed to say, “I’m really sad”.
You asked me why, to which I wasn’t ready to respond.
More sobbing.
I eventually tired of crying, but you never let go.
Not that evening, and not the entire night.
“I feel helpless, I don’t know how to help”, you said at some point.
You’ve never said that. You’ve always tried to fix.
“I’m going to be ok. All I need of you is to allow me to be sad right now. And I need you to know that this doesn’t mean I’m running.”
That was all it took.
I haven’t felt closer to you when I needed to ever before.

Thank you.

~ by spasmicallyperfect on April 5, 2008.